Singing

Reader Xena ask "Dear Kemmei, I work at a music shop and love it! The only problem is that my boss whistles (off tune) to nearly every song they play in the store, and it's driving me crazy! How do I handle this?"

First off, you has excellent name. It like that warrior princess lady. Kemmei pretty sure she nice to cats, since she nice to her ponies.Mommy like to sing when she in the kitchen. Me and Kari, we loves it. We comes running to sing with hers. Kari sing louder than me. Maybe you just has to sing louder than the bossy man?

Kari think she such a superstar. 

Fishies

There no advices today, cause nobody asked Kemmei questions. Instead, Kemmei added fishies on the right side of the screen for you to play with! Kemmei love the fishies. You can feeds them so they get all fat for Kemmei to eats.

Drinking

WorriedMom asks "Dear Kemmei, I think my teenage son may have a drinking problem. The other night at dinner, he ordered his soda 'on the rocks'. How can I help him?"

It hard to answer good if Kemmei not know what kind of problem he are having. Is water bowl empty? Do he drinks out of the toilet? Maybe if you puts some rocks in his drink, it fix the problem. Sister like to drink laying on the floor instead of crouching like normal cat, but it get the job done.

Kemmei on the rocks. 

Utensils

SloppyJoe asks "Dear Kemmei, I have to go to a fancy dinner with the president of my company in two weeks, and I'm worried that I will look uncultured because I don't know how to use all of the silverware. I know the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork, and a soup spoon and a regular spoon, but what about the shellfish forks, olive forks, and all that stuff? What should I do?"

Kemmei not ever have to use these things. She just eat with her face. And sometimes her paw.

That were a good fishie, and Kemmei not have to worry about forks or nothing. 

Also, watch this video. It help, and the Animaniacs is black-and-white, just like Kemmei! Imagine Kemmei is singings this to you, it make it even better.

Fireworks

Sibyl asks "Dear Kemmei, where have you been lately?"

Readers, Kemmei are very sorry about recent absences, but she have been, um, occupied. 4th of July time also known as 'loud banging noise week' and Kemmei no likes that. Kari spent the week under Mommy's bed. Kemmei was smarter- she were in back of closet buried in laundries, where bangy noises not find her as much.

Kari try to frighten away the bangy noises with formidable claws.

Video Games

Reader Kelley asks "I'm looking for a new video game to play. What do you recommend?"

Kemmei love the Katamari games. She think the Prince look tasty, and also, Kemmei love to roll things on the floor.

There no pictures of Kemmei playing video games. Instead, please enjoy 8-bit Nyan Cat. Kemmei have an internet crush on him- not only do he sing so nice, but his body made of nummy poptarts, and he leaving festive trail of happiness through the galaxies. Also, he smile a lots.

Restaraunts

Reader Hungry asks "What kind of restaurant should I take my wife to for our anniversary?"

Kemmei's favorite restaurant is at the aquariums. It full of romances, and fishies. Kemmei try to choose seals for dinner once, but they had tricks to learn for shows.

Stains

Reader Can't Change These Spots writes, "Dear Kemmei, do you have any tips for getting stains out of your laundry? I have the worst time getting them out!"


Kemmei get annoying bits out of laundry by pouncing on them, and chewing until there just a hole there instead. You never sees that spot again. Also works on stupid butter-colored sister, who love to lay in the clean laundries. Pounce-and-chew method not as effective on Kari. She keep coming back to the laundries basket.

Look at her, acting like it all her laundries. She not ever share it with Kemmei.

Vacations

First, Kemmei want to apologize for not posting on Monday or Tuesday. She were busing having Outdoor Adventure Times, and they not have the internet outside.  Now to the question!

GirlsAreGeeks says "I'm going on vacation on an airplane. What should I bring to keep me from being bored on the plane?"

Kemmei never has been on a plane before, but she have been on the plains, and that probably what you really mean anyway. Kemmei knows humans not always have the best spellings. The plains is full of things to entertains you. Lots of grasses for chewing on, real mousies for chasing and chewing on, dirts to roll in and sometimes chew on, and a mommy to pets you when you want it, and to throw toy mousies when the real ones isn't around. So Kemmei think you will not be bored, but just in case, bring a mommy and some toy mousies. You never knows.

This what Kemmei look like when she having Outside Adventure Times.

Pizza

Reader Donna asks: "Dear Kemmei, I love pizza- my favorite is pepperoni with mushroom. However, I am trying to branch out and try some new flavors. Do you like pizza? What kinds of pizza do you recommend?"

KEMMEI LOVE THE PIZZAS!!!! She try once to order using Mommy's phone, but it hard to push all the buttons with a gimpy paw. Also, pizza mans not understand Kemmei because of accent. You should tries pizza with all meats and cheeses, pizzas with just meats, pizzas with no nasty mushrooms because they squeaks when you eats them, and pineapple pizzas. Kemmei holds out hope that one day Mommy orders the pizza with fishies on it, but no lucks so far.

Kemmei find it tastiest to remove the meats and eats them first.

Necklace

Reader StylishSteph asks  "Dear Kemmei, I have a short neck, but I love big jewelry! How can I wear the necklaces I love without making my neck look weird?"

Kemmei think you should wears what you like. Either you likes big necklaces, or you no likes short necks. Not everybody built like a swan. Also, not everyone tasty like swan. Beauty are in the eyes of the bee-holder. (Why they get to choose? They makes living by holding bees! That not qualifying for good beauty judgings.)

Look how nice this accentuate my black furs. Still, is too big for Kemmei.

Gravity

Reader Gladys asks "Dear Kemmei, What goes up but doesn't come down?"

Kemmei is looking up at things that doesn't come down.

Kemmei find lots of things like this. Hairballs, birds, bugs, sister's neck furs, soprano singers, that toy mousie I threw on the bookshelf last week and now can't reach, rainbows. Lots and lots of things.

FLASH UPDATE!!!! After many considerations, Kemmei have decided that birds probably  does come down somewhere, but not close enough for Kemmei to catch, so it not count.

Plants

Reader BellaBunny asks "Dear Kemmei, I want to plant more flowes in my flower garden, and wondered what type of flowers you would recommend? Thanks for your help!"

Kemmei think it very nice of you to plant garden for cats.  You should haves some catnips, catear, catbriar, something that grow toy mousies, things that birdies likes to eat so Kemmei can eats them instead, and some flowers 'cause the butterflies likes them. 

Oh, and sister ask for a banana plant. But she weird like that. 

This about as close to 'the wilds' as Kari get.                       

Point of View

TiredOfArguing asks "Dear Kemmei, my dad and I don't always see eye-to-eye. We fight a lot. Do you have any advice? How can we get along better?"

Try looking at problem from angle that differents. Maybe you see you on same side of battle anyways.

Upside down is Kemmei's favorite way to change viewpoints.

Doors

SashaBGood asks "Dear Kemmei, you know that saying that when one door closes, another one opens? Lately, I haven't seen any open doors, just closed ones. What should I do??"

Dear Reader,

Sit in front of door and meow loudly. It always work for Kemmei. Also, sometimes it help to shove a toy mousie under the door.

Good lucks!

Sometimes, it like waiting for Godot.

Car

RedGuardian asks:  "Dear Kemmei, do you have any tips for buying a new car?"

Kemmei no like riding in cars. Cars mean bad things- the vet, a new house, butter-colored sister came back and not get taked away forever like Kemmei thought. Still, she do her best to answer question for you.

1. Doors not able to open far enough for pet taxi to fit in, so cat can ride in your lap or wherever she want instead of in box.
2. Make sure car have plenty of places for cat to hide in, so when you reach end of trip, you not able to reach the cat.
3. Car should have lots of windows, so if you is taking the cat somewheres, she can look out and complains to the world that car rides is Unfair Treatments.
4. Apolestri  Applestory App hole starry Car seats should be made of fabric that easy for claws to grips into.
5. Driver need available lap space and hand for pettins at all times. Otherwise, bring extra person on the trip.
6. It a 'must' that there is dangly things from mirror for cat to play with.
7. Earplugs. They is for you.

This how it should be.

Relax

GaladrielGirl asks: Dear Kemmei, I like to relax after a hard day at work, but I don't want to sit in front of the TV or computer when I get home! Can you recommend some good relaxing activities that don't involve the boob tube?

Yes! After Mommy come home from hard day at work, Kemmei like to relaxes by lying in a sunbeam to beg for pettings. Sometimes, if Mommy want an active activity, Kemmei bring her a toy mousie. Also it fun to demand dinner as soon as Mommy get home, even if dinnertime not for several hours. Very entertaining! Sometimes, though, it good to just stretch out and lay on a nice book (best if someone trying to read it.)

Instead of sit in front of TV, Kari like to sit on top. Maybe you try it?

People Foods

Reader BellaBunny asks "Dear Kemmei –

I need some advice. Some people give their cats leftovers from people food, along with cat food. Other people say that people food is not good for cats and that only cat food should be fed to cats. My cats are very willing to share my chicken, ham and tuna … but I don’t want to feed it to them if it might not be healthy for them. What is your opinion on this My cats (Miss Kitty and Oreo) are standing by and licking their chops while they wait for your answer."

Kemmei love people foods! You should give it to kitties all the time!! On second thought, it probably very bad for your kitties (those not sound like names of kitties who can handles people foods) though. Bring to Kemmei's house and she take care of it for you.

Someone is a very messy eater.

A NOTE FROM KEMMEI'S MOMMY

(I promise this won't happen often.)

People food can be okay for your cat in small quantities. There are dangers with anything you feed to a pet. Cats and dogs should not have poultry unless there are no bones. Do not feed your pet anything you aren't willing to eat yourself- it it isn't safe for you, it isn't safe for them. This applies mostly to older leftovers, not bad cooking! If you aren't sure if it's okay, call your vet before giving them anything. Don't just try meat- Kari loves bananas and green beans. Stay away from junk food, even though they love it. It's just as bad for them as it is for us!

Feeding people food to a pet can also cause some bad behaviors, mostly begging and digging in the trash. Trust me- I have a black-and-white menace who does both of these things. It's taking me far longer to break her bad habits than it did for her to learn them. To prevent bad behaviors, use the following tips: 

-- ALWAYS give your pet the food in their own bowl, NOT from your plate or from the table. 

-- Try feeding people food as a reward for learning a new trick. Make them work for it! Kemmei is currently learning to sit on command, and Kari will be learning to shake paws soon. Both of them already know how to 'sit pretty'. Yes, even though they are cats and those are dog tricks.

-- Give your pet the food at a time they will not associate with YOUR dinner. After the dishes are done, after or during THEIR dinner, or at any random time. Otherwise, you will have your pets trying to lead you into the kitchen like they're Lassie, and Timmy has fallen down the well.

The Dugong

Reader Charlotte asks "Dear Kemmei, what is that grey thing you are sitting on in yesterday's picture?"

Again, Kemmei not sure how this advices you need, but happy to answer anyways. That is The Dugong. He's are Kemmei's favoritest snuggly toy. At Kemmei's house, we also has a shark (Mr. Nibbles) and a black-and-white whale (ShamWow, more absorbent and lesser-known cousin of Shamu). They all has a catnip pocket in their tummies so they smells extra nice.

Kemmei will be back on Monday with more advices and answers for you. Please send her questions!! Plans for weekending includes:
sleeping
eating
snugglytime with mommy
beating up certain butter cats
sitting in window, watching neighbors. Not like a creeper.

Kari with Mr. Nibbles. She love him so much his gills falls off.

Sesame Street

Reader Hadithian asks: "Dear Kemmei, if you had to marry a character from Sesame Street, who would you choose?"

I not sure how this advice you needs. Maybe you win some contest and now have to pick prize? Kemmei would marry these, not in order:
1. Count (I is not good with the numbers)
2. CookieMonster (he understand Kemmei's love of dinnertimes)
3. Oscar (sometimes Kemmei flip the garbage can to find tasties)
4. Snuffy (so big and snuggly and Kemmei could sleep on him!)
5. Big Bird (Kemmei have dinner for days!!)

Kemmei sleep on Snuffy like this, only bigger

Job Interview

Reader Caitlin asks "Dear Kemmei. I have a job interview next week. What should I wear?"

Kemmei feel that simple look is good for this. Either black and white (always the best. Kemmei wear it every day!) or neutrals. If that too boring for you, accessorize with some color- maybe purse or tie. Here, Kari add a nice blue to her butter-and-white look.

Kari demonstrate adding color to neutral tones. 

 

Also make sure to pet cat before you go, so new boss know you animal lover. Pet hair perfect accessory for every occasion!

Name

Reader TwilightBella asks "Dear Kemmei, where does your name originate from?"

Kemmei is Japanese for 'wisdom'. When Mommy broughted Kemmei from the pound, she knowed right away that I is very smart kitty. Kemmei's pound name was "Emily" which nice but not really fit. It sound similar to Kemmei. Kemmei is pronounce 'Keh-May'. Gramma calls me 'Kimmy' because she not as good with saying foreign words. It okay. I still answer, even though it wrong name.

Aunties call me different things. Sometimes Kemmei is "Darlin" and sometimes Kemmei is "Gimpy Cat" (because of paw) and sometimes Kemmei is "Stoppit" but only when naughty and that usually from Mommy.

Butter-cat sister's name is Kari. It short for Inabikari, which Japanese for 'flash of lightnings'. Her first owner name her "Callie" even though she not a calico. You can see in picture below- definitely butter-colored, not calico. Kari's nicknames is "Rocket Cat" when she being run-around crazy, "Wootie" when she being cuddly, and Kemmei just call her "Target" or "Nuisance". It depend on the day.

Rare picture with me and stupid sister-cat near each other. It probably worth something on ebay somedays.

Gnats

Sarah asks, "Dear Kemmei, how do you get rid of those annoying gnats and where do they keep coming from!?"

Dear Reader,
Gnats is annoying. Almost as annoying as butter-colored sister, but that a different blog post. Kemmei gets rid of bugs by eating dem. Crickets is my favorite, especially for late-night snackins. Sister-cat likes the small flying ones, but she not as good at catching dem, because she is sub-par hunter despite having more toes to catch things with. Bugs comes from Outside, which is what make them taste so nice.

Thank you!
Kemmei

On the lookout for bugs. Just in case.

Welcome to EttiCat

Dear World Full of Humans on the Internets!

Kemmei is here to answer all of your advice questions you ever wanted answered by a cat! From how to give the bestest tummy rubs (Don't!!) to fashion (black and white always in style) to family problems (no kitty really want a new sister), Kemmei will answer it all. No question too small, no answer too accurate.

It's me, Kemmei!

Kemmei not have the bestest grammar, as English is her second language. However, she haves very good spelling. Please don't write to Kemmei in LolCat. Translating once is hard enough.

P.S. I'm a cat. Keep that in mind. Answers may not apply to humans.